Undercover, Cover the Under
Written By Donny Rodriguez
June 22nd, 2010
Ball Sugars is the anti-’sports blog’ blog written by Donny. It is a satirical and statistical spectator’s view of the dim, dicey, and UN-discussed tales of sports.
So, unlike most Americans, I don’t have a flat screen TV in every room of my apartment.(or any TV for that matter). Nine months ago I decided to write this sports blog, but wondered “how can I write about sports if I can’t see the commercials live?” I needed to research the role of the sports watcher more in depth, High Def that is. I needed to go to a place where an undercover sports writer could go undetected in a sea of 147 tele’s and my scent would be masked by domestic lite beer. A place where I could shoot the breeze and regurgitate banter heard from sports pundits with men who use a Per Diem on their AMEX’s.
Enter Craigslist ad for a job opening at: Cable TV Themed Sports Bar or CTTSB
I thought becoming a bartender and occasional cocktail waitress at this joint would put me at ground zero in my search for sports knowledge. One problem. Alcoholism. Because of my affinity for good morning Merlot Bombs (Sutter Home Merlot and Sugar-Free Rockstar energy Drink) and irresponsibility, I haven’t been able to hold a job down, in any field for longer than two months (this is why I got into writing, it’s the only job where getting “girl got dumped by less attractive boyfriend” drunk, is encouraged). Suppressing pain for the last five years with Pabst Blue Ribbon is hardly a strong point on a resume that would land me the gig, so I had to make one up. On my deceitful resume was that I attended Arizona State University, the number one school for booze and Herpes simplex B. I thought that would arouse my soon to be bosses.
Under the skills section I scribed, Multi-tasker (I can drink and drive), staying active (sending drunk texts at 3 am and staying awake for at least an hour waiting for a response), and I’m always on-time (although sometimes I come early ;0P). I also figured I should make up some work history.
My favorite place to drink in Chicago that’s not right outside my ex-girlfriend’s kitchen window is, live blues bars. It’s all I know. I’ve been kicked out by the proprietors of these percussion pubs that I know their names and contact info, so references, check!
After a quick stop at FedEx Kinko’s, I had my resume and was off to CTTSB. Dressed in a hounds-tooth suit and a bow-tie that would make Joakim Noah on draft day jealous, I was ready for the on the spot interview. If you’ve read my blogs in the last two months you know, that I know, nary a fact about sports. On the bus ride to CTTSB I Yahoo!ed as many sports buzz words so that I could talk shop with my would be boss.
I reached the establishment in the heart of downtown Chicago, and forgot we we’re in a recession. There sure we’re a lot of qualified bartenders there looking for a pay check. I would have been really intimidated if I didn’t tie one off in the morning before breakfast. THC-less Jamaican Breakfast is a wonderful drink (Appleton rum, coffee, with a Red Stripe backer). A buzz in place of my low-self-esteem, my first hand shake of the day was with the bar manager, “Richardo.” He asked about my experience, and what would my previous managers say about me and I was as vague as possible but with hard eye contact. I mixed in words and phrases like “ostensibly,” “anticipate guest needs,” and “I love the sports.”. It worked! That and the fact I had completely open availability, I beat out, 50 other potential barkeeps. I had fooled my manager and myself into thinking I was a perfect fit as a sports bar manager, and in PART TWO of this two-part investigation, I let you know how I sank and swam my way to sports journalist (blogger) and a murderer…..
Okay, I’m not really a murder, but come back on Friday the 25th and read my poignant piece of work!!!
