Donny (his “dream”) Olajuwon
Written By Donny Rodriguez
July 6th, 2010
Ball Sugars is the anti-’sports blog’ blog written by Donny. It is a satirical and statistical spectator’s view of the dim, dicey, and UN-discussed tales of sports.
There is a madness to “method sports writing” (niche blogging). You must love what you’re doing to really capture the objective. But what if you must love, love? The professional jock has been know to love many a woman. What about the lady gym class heroes? They need morning and mourning sex too, from someone they’re dating. I will slip past defenses, slide my tongue in and out of her mouth at her preferred rhythm, and secure my spot as the boyfriend of a Chicago Sky basketball player.
The Chicago Sky is a “Pro”-basketball team , which is part of the all girl league,the WNBA. The WNBA is like that movie “A League of their Own”, except way less entertaining and has way less “hot-Madonna” in it. “Dirt in the skirt Mae!” Which Chicago Sky player should I date? So many to choose from this ten women roster. The obvi choice from the collection of players to be my paramour is team leading scorer and rebounder Sylvia Fowles. What’s sexier than her dominant performance on the court is the fun fact portion from her bio off the Sky’s website. (Because of her six foot, six inch size) Syl says that she “feels she needs to be extra friendly to children because she doesn’t want them to be scared of her.”
That power over children, I find insatiable. I myself don’t scare kids, but rather, am scared by them. They can be dicks to me when I try and make them laugh and they don’t get my multi-layered, articulate jests. Over their lice filled heads every time!
Ms. Fowles is an All-star starter, Gold medal winning Olympian, and most importantly, single. We would make an amazing Chicago power couple. A famous bounce passer, and a double dribbler (back-fat having blogger). The tabloids would have a field day with those headlines. She might be too hot for me though. Could I handle the pressure of getting snuggled by a super-star? She’s so hot, she’s got to be needy or at the least, STDdy. Urgh, don’t think her and I will ever be. I don’t think she belongs with me. Those who get the star jocks wear short skirts, I wear t-shirts. Sometimes, they’re cheer captain, and I’m always on the bleachers. You know they wear high-heels, I wear sneakers. I shall listen to my heart and keep Taylor Swift on repeat, and date someone more my style.
Enter Alon Abisola Arisicate Ajoke Olajuwon, or “born in wealth and loved by all”(Nigerian translation).
Let’s just call her Abi. There are three reasons I instantly fell in love with the six-foot, four-inch daughter of Hall of Famer Hakeem “The Dream” Olajuwon. First, she has a broadcast journalism degree from Oklahoma. I’m working on getting my sports blogger associates certification from the University of Phoenix online college, so we have a few things in common. (Don’t knock Uni of Phoe, it was the only school that would except a 26 year old with no ACT score or records that I went to an American high school.) Reason two: she’s twenty-two years old. I’ve never dated a mature older lady!
And finally, the Chicago Sky just cut her from the team, and she’s sure to be on the rebound. If I learned anything from dating it’s that your best chance at getting your shot with a bird is when she’s bummed about things. She’s unemployed like me, so it’s not like she doesn’t have free time to build a real relationship with me.
What’s the best way to get some helpful information about the girl you would like to hook up with?
Facebook stalk! Since I’m a pro at memorizing ladies profiles this will be a free throw.
FML, her profile is on private. Oh wait, I forgot I’m also taking a hacking course at the University of Phoenix online college. Boomshackalaca! I’ll lacerate my way into her account, add myself as one of her friends, and make my pitch to court her.
So here’s what I posted on her wall after I infiltrated her page. All of her 896 friends will get to see how romantic I am via their feeds:
“Dearest “born in wealth and loved by all”, I’ve gone to great lengths to procure your favor. Though you know nothing about me, I literally know everything about you including your facebook password. That’s how I was able to add myself as one of your friends (“LadyGagaLova34” is a pretty funny password, by the way). I don’t give a shit that your father was a two time NBA champion, or that he was a former MVP of the league, and that he is still a multi-millionaire after his career has ended. I want to give a shit about you. I’ve been fired, dumped, and dunked on just like you have. But I never quit, just like you. No one reads my creative blogs but I keep writing them.(I mean, seriously, I write sports blogs that mention skirts twice in one piece and reference Taylor Swift, Madonna and Lady Gaga throughout. How have they (my Ball Sugars sports blogs) not taken off?”) Anywhos, I think our shared passions and never taking “no” for an answer will make for a strong foundation for a relationship. You have to let me take you out on a date. We can pre-drink at my place and catch a CTA bus to where ever you want to go. I promise you won’t regret this. Take a chance. I did. I can see myself being in love with you forever. Love Donny from Wood Sugars.”
I’m trying to check what her response was, but for some reason facebook is on the fritz and not letting me log on. Is it just my profile, or is yours fucked up too? Well, either way I have butterflies, and dollar signs in my future. I better get my mani-pedi on so I can look good for Abi! Te amo sexy Abi!
