Alex (Roidriguez) and the City
Written By Donny Rodriguez
July 27th, 2010
Ball Sugars is the anti-’sports blog’ blog written by Donny. It is a satirical and statistical spectator’s view of the dim, dicey, and UN-discussed tales of sports.
Sup, blog bratz and bloggettes? Did you miss my overuse of alliteration and parentheses? Yeah, you did (Needy Nellys)! I took two weeks off from Ball Sugars not because I can’t focus (I use crushed Aderol in my coffee instead of Splenda because I can’t focus), but to take a trip to the center of the Earth. New York City. To cover New York Yankee clubber Alex Rodriguez and his historic chase of home run number 600. Here at Wood Sugars dot com during the summer months we don’t garner a lot of ad revenue. To fly me out to New York on a discount flight via Spirit Airlines and to put me up in at least a half star hotel is going to require some check floating. Or, I could just use my severance package from the new defunct chain of sports bar restaurants that rhymes with “Go unpleasantly do yourself GspnZone”. What a decision, to spend money I’m really working for, to go to New York and get the inside scoop for a piece (contrived blog), or keep it and make shit up in Chicago?
*********************************************
So what’s the deal with airline food? No, for reals, I’ve never seen an episode of Seinfeld so I never got the answer. How can a company figure out aviation, continually maintain safe aircrafts, but cannot provide an inexpensive meal more eat-a-ble than bland pesto pasta mush they slung at me on my flight to New York? Before leaving for NYC I tried to procure press credentials for the Yankee home games Alex Rodriguez may hit his 600th home run, so I could get some in-depth post game coverage. After several emails and voice mails to the Yankees front offices I received a phone call from an intern who explained that the organization (The Yanks) don’t give out credentials to publications (Ball Sugars Blogs) that are only read by tens of twenties of people, and more importantly that is as they put it “insufferably low-brow.” I countered with “bullshit commie, you guys hook up the NY Post!” Click. My plan B was to just go on StubHub.com and buy an eleven dollar obstructed view bleacher ticket for the Yankees/Angels game July 21st at 1 pm. Yankee Stadium, where you can get obstructed views from the center field bleachers. Only in New York!
**********************************************
You ever meet an alcoholic from New York City? Of course you haven’t because those gin gophers don’t leave their Burroughs for the day until 1 am. That city can drink. Every female from your barista to your NBA store employee is either a beautiful Australian, a model, or a beautiful Australian model. How does anything ever get accomplished in this city? Sorry Chicago, I love you but most of your women are either frumpy or Wisconsony. Redundant I know, I know. Now that I’m in NYC, I can’t even write about sports in this paragraph. Maybe I’ll just “method sports writer” it and get wasted my whole time here and chase tail like fame New York jocks the likes of Babe Ruth, Darryl Strawberry, or Marv Albert. Yeah maybe I could just change the thesis of this piece mid story. God even tall, muscular, Adam’s appled women asking me to party for “$25 behind that garbage heap”, in this city are gorgeous. Gotta focus.
***********************************************
Man what a four day bender. Oddly enough I didn’t even see the day. I asked the concierge at my New Jersey motel to point me to the direction of NYC bars where a guy could get into some naughty trouble. So I was a regular at the poorly lit, guy filled bars that former New York Met Mike Piazza would frequent. Fun had by all who were conscience. So here I am at Yankee Stadium on the 21st and um, Alex Rodriguez didn’t hit his 600th home run. So I guess I’ve done my work. So yeah, alright. I’m gonna get back to the night life.
EDITOR’S NOTE (to Donny): Talk about sports, you sexual deviant!!!!
Fine. While I was on Ball Sugar Hiatus, performance enhancing drug junkie and disgraced cyclist Floyd Landis said Lance Armstrong used PEDs. Obvi. LeBron James pissed off a lot of people in Cleveland because he realized he didn’t want to live in Cleveland anymore. I don’t see the issue. Some Mexican team won the World Cup. Glenn Beck erroneously called Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher a “Neo-Nazi.” Sorry Glenn, normally you’re right on the money but Urlacher only fucks black chicks and Paris Hilton. Major League Baseball had an All Star game watched only by the mistresses and wives of 135 players invited to play. 2010 NHL Champions, the Chicago Blackhawks may trade or release the Stanley Cup Trophy to save cap space. I got a 221 on Nintendo’s Wii Bowling game, which makes me the all-time record holder of my apartment! And finally, in UFC 116, MMA brawl out a dude passionately threw a muscular man to the ground and both jockeyed for position behind the other man to wrap his arms around said dude while they both grunted until the other passed out in their arms, all the while whispering into each others ears that they were a “homo.” Live Strong internet peeps.
